I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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