Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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