he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
