I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
