I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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