Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
