I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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