My room smells like vodka and shame
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
