just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize