My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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