The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
