I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
