I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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