I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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