No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
