Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
