yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
