Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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