I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
