Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
