my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
