Drunk walkin through police station. America
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
