I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
