Four minutes until I can fart!
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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