I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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