escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
