Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
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I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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