Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
