What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
