This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
