3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
