i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
