you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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