Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
