Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
