It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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