it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
