We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
