my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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