Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
