New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
