what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
