I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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