i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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