Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
