So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
