True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am midnight drunk by noon
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
