apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
this is an emotional support booty call
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
