Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
