her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
