Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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