but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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