Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i think i just lost a toe
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
