Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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