I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
