Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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