she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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