I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Is it because I queefed?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
