Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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