I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
