At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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